The Breakup You’ll Never Get Over

We’ve all gone through breakups. The heart-wrenching, never gonna love again, crying in your milkshake breakups.

But we get over them. Always. Every single time. There isn’t a breakup you can’t get over because there’s always something better waiting.

Scratch that. There is ONE breakup you will never get over, and that’s a friend breakup. It is the absolute worst and you can’t bounce back. There isn’t anything better waiting because there won’t ever be anything else like it.

Your girlfriends are your real soulmates. Sex and the City said so. They’re there when the boys break your hearts and the other girls hurt your feelings. They are the ones you call at 3 a.m. just because. And they won’t even think you’re needy or crazy.

Your girls know you. They really know you. Better than any man ever can. They know all the gross, weird things that you really cannot share with the world without being banned from society.

They have your back. When someone talks trash about you, they take up for you and make sure that person never utters a bad thing about you again.

I had a few close friends in high school that are still so close to my heart. I even have a best friend that I’ve been friends with since birth and we’ll never breakup. And then I found friends in college that are lifetime friends and sisters.

Throughout my 22 years here, I’ve met a lot of people, loved a lot of people, and lost a lot of people. The worst losses have been those of friends.

Now some friends are just meant to be your friends for a season, and you’re never not friends, you just don’t stay as close as you once were. You can always talk to them like you never lost touch, but they aren’t a part of your every day life. You talk once a month instead of every second of every Snapchat of every day, and that’s ok.

But there are friends that were supposed to be there forever, that were supposed to be your bridesmaids. When you lose them, you lose a lot.

Losing a best friend takes a toll on a girl far more than losing a boyfriend. A boyfriend can be replaced by a better, greater love – by the one that was meant for you. Friends can never be replaced.

Don’t get me wrong, I strongly believe you are exactly where you should be with exactly who you should be with right now, and that includes any and all friendships. But trying to find a friend to replace someone you spent almost all of your time with – it’s near impossible. There are inside jokes no one else will ever get and secrets you can’t tell another soul.

Each girlfriend is unique and irreplaceable. Each friend brings something to the table that no other person every can. You’ll have new friends and new inside jokes, but they just won’t be the same. They’ll be amazing, but not the same.

A very, very wise man once told me that there are several tiers of friends. There are convenient friends that you’re friends with based on your similar situations for the time being, there are work friends that you become friends with because of your job, there are fun friends that you just hang out with occasionally and have a blast with, and there are friends that are everything wrapped in one – and those are your soulmate friends.

When you find those soulmate friends, you have to hold on tighter than tight. Those people cannot slip away, or it cuts deeply – and honestly forever.

You’ll miss them and wish you could go back to the way things were, but you can’t. You can’t ever really go back. No one else can replace them, but they can’t even replace themselves. Once it’s tarnished, it won’t be the same.

I’m not talking about a little fight with your best friend/roommate or not talking to your best friend for a week. I’m talking about drifting so far away that you lose touch for good. Maybe you go in totally different directions in life and just don’t get each other anymore. It happens. People go through different things at different times, and there will be people that stick around even when you go through your freshman year of college during your senior year of college. But sometimes, it’s too hard for some to stick around, even if you were sure they’d never leave your side.

And maybe you weren’t there for them because you could only be there for you. The point is, once you disconnect for a while and no one makes the step to reconnect, it’s just almost a lost cause.

It’s something you have to accept and move on with. And sure you’ll still catch up from time to time and ask how they are and genuinely love them forever, but never again will they be your profile picture, group text, brunch date best friends.

In ten years, you’ll still miss them. You’ll have your best friends and your boyfriend/husband, but there will always be a little hole in your heart where those friends you broke up with once held strong. When someone takes up that much space in your heart, they’re bound to leave an even bigger space when they’re gone.

At least you’ll have the things they taught you about life, love, and friendship. Whether you learned from the good or the bad, you learned.

You have the memories and the pictures, but you’ll never have another friend exactly like the one you lost with the same personality or assets. A tub of ice cream won’t fix it and your mom can’t even fix it. It’s really probably the only thing your mom can’t fix – and that’s a huge deal.

But just know, they will always have an empty space too – where you once were. You have a personality and assets that made you their best friend, and they can’t replace that.

So when you look back at old pictures and wonder what went wrong, know that they’re doing the same.

And while you won’t ever get over it, while it’s the worst breakup you’ll ever have, you have to smile at the fact that while you and your friends grew apart, you grew up too. You grew into amazing women that have amazing lives, friends, families, jobs, etc.

The only sad part is that they won’t be sitting beside you to celebrate that wonderful life you’re living. But I bet they smile when they see your accomplishments and they’re happy to know you were once a part of each other’s lives.

There’s no coming back from a friend breakup, but there is accepting it and moving on.

You may get cheated on, left at the altar, or dumped in public, but nothing can ever top breaking up with your best friend.

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If You’re Reading This

I think the highest form of flattery is to admire from afar…

You’re lying if you say you’ve never been an a secret admirer.

I don’t mean sending anonymous flowers or buying candy grahams in elementary school and signing them “Your Secret Admirer.” Although I guess if you did that, then kudos because that’s some real secret admirer stuff right there.

But if you’ve ever had a secret admirer, isn’t it the best feeling in the whole world? To know that someone thinks you’re really amazing and just can’t find the courage to tell you? To know that when someone sees you they get nervous and think you’re the greatest person in the room?

I think it’s up with there with some of the best feelings in the world. But how selfish to just be admired, don’t you admire someone? Or haven’t you before? Maybe it’s your significant other. But you had to have admired them before they were all yours.

We’ve all admired at least one person from afar at some point in our lives. It’s like it’s almost better to just keep it a secret than telling them how you really feel. Any time I’ve ever admitted admiration to someone, it’s ended pretty poorly. But keeping it a secret, now that’s never steered my wrong.

So, this is to my secret admiree. If you’re reading this, I’m embarrassed. If you’re reading this, I really am glad.

I’m really bad at this and that’s the number one reason I’ve never mentioned this to you. I have this thing where I really scare boys away. I’m a little too much and hey that’s ok.

For some reason, I’ve just always been pretty fascinated with you. You’re 110 percent way too cool for me and that’s ok. You’re really everything I’m not: chill, calm and collected, artistic, and so much more.

So I just decided we were too different. Then I would sometimes think, maybe that’s the key. Maybe we’re so different that it would work.

But I would quickly change my mind and just decide to keep it to myself…and to my friends of course.

The conversations we’ve had have always been severely awkward and severely awesome. I usually try to avoid you and that says a lot because I don’t avoid anyone. I’m annoying and talk to literally everyone, so avoiding you is quite a task.

It’s just all funny the way we came to know each other and the odd things that have happened. Like the universe wants us to hang out. I always just brush it off because, again, you’re way too cool for me.

I’m not the most confident person in the first place, but I might as well crawl under a rock if you get brought up. You make me nervous and just act like a total weirdo. But just know, I think you’re really great. You’re mysterious and I just always want to know more.

I think you’ll meet someone equally as cool as you and have a really cool life. And it’ll be ok that it’s not me because I’d hate to let you know and know that you don’t feel the same.

I’ll probably continue to admire you from afar until I meet my husband. I’ll keep sending my friends text and screenshots and all the other stalker-like things we girls do in this day and age. I’ll continue to think you’re extremely attractive and extremely unattainable.

It’s almost a little sad that I’ll never tell you, that you’ll never know. But some things are better left unsaid. Sometimes it’s great to just think about those things and smile and leave it at that.

If this makes me crazy, that’s ok. Because most people can’t read this without relating in some way or another, whether they admit it or not.

This is probably the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever written. But that’s what writing is for – to open up and say things you can’t say in person. And things other people would love to say and can’t.

So this if for everyone that’s ever been a secret admirer, and if you’re reading this, this was for you.

Everybody’s somebody’s somebody

To the world, you may be one person, but to one person, you may be the world.

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Do you ever just feel like you don’t matter? At all? Like you’re just taking up space on earth and mulling along living a mundane life?

At one point or another, everyone has felt like that. You of course have to realize that’s not true, but we all have those days where we just feel like space-fillers.

But do you ever look at other people and wonder if they’re feeling that way?

Or do you ever just look at other people and wonder?

I am fasinated with the lives of other people. Isn’t it just amazing that every single person around you has likes, dislikes, habits, quirks, a family, friends, and a whole life that you probably don’t know a thing about.

There’s actually a word for that – “sonder.”  Urban Dictionary says it’s “the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.” (Originally from the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows). Sonder is my favorite word ever. Other people’s lives are fascinating to me. They are trucking along just like I am but with different thoughts, dreams, and ideas. Everyone you see around you is thinking something different and dreaming a different dream.

If you talk to someone for even just one minute, you can find out a little bit more about that life, more than you would’ve known before. And that one minute can change you if you let it.

I talk to a lot of people. Some of them may not want to talk to me, but I rarely go anywhere without talking to at least one stranger. I think that’s important. How can you grow if you talk to the same exact people every single day and never experience a spontaneous conversation with a total stranger?

Some of those conversations may be a one time thing, but sometimes those conversations blossom into something more. Either way, the person on the other end of the convo is somebody. They may not be somebody to you, but they’re somebody to somebody.

Everyone you pass is someone’s mom or dad or brother or sister or husband or wife or friend. They are important. They might not be famous or the first person on your missed calls list, but that doesn’t make them any less special or nonessential to the lives of others.

A woman talked to me while I was ordering my coffee a few days ago, and I could’ve just responded and smiled and gone on with my day, but I thought, “No, I want her to know I care.”

So, as I left the coffee shop, I said, “Bye, I hope you have a really great day.” She smiled so big and started telling me that her husband was coming to pick her up and continued explaining what she would do with the rest of her day.

The thought really hit me that she’s a wife. She’s not just the woman I happened upon at a coffee shop – she’s a wife, and probably a mother, and a friend. She’s somebody. She wasn’t my mom or my best friend, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have a purpose. And her purpose for those five minutes was to brighten my day. She complimented me and just showed love to me that I needed to get me through the rest of the day.

Just today, I passed by a man, Carlos, at the same coffee shop. I don’t know his life story, but I know he’s somebody to somebody, and that’s the most important thing I could know about him.

It all kinda goes both ways. People you happen upon have a purpose, but people happen upon you too, and you have a purpose.

You might brighten their day with the five minutes you spend with them, and even better, you are brightening people’s lives that you spend way more time with. You may never be a CEO or a model or the doctor that cures cancer, but you do have a purpose.

Live out each day with that purpose. Don’t go around with no purpose. That’s a waste. I don’t care if you work in the worst place for the rest of your life. You are more than that because you are somebody’s somebody. You can leave work, you can leave school, you can leave any physical place. You can’t leave your purpose, no matter how hard you try. So just take it and make the most of it.

When you pass by people on the street, know that they have a life and a purpose just as important as yours. Don’t ever think they’re any worse or better because they’re somebody’s somebody and so are you.

Think of your favorite superstar – you have something in common with them. They’re somebody’s somebody. That means you’re just as important as all the people with 5M Twitter followers.

The most important thing in life really is love – not fame, fortune, or fun. If you have love, you really have it all.

So, love and be loved, and go be somebody’s somebody.

 

Have the Life of Your Time

“I hope you have the time of your life…”

That old 90s song by Green Day encourages us to have the time of our lives. To really live. To seize every moment.

I was eating dinner with an old friend last week (I’ve noticed a pattern…most of my blogs tend to start with me talking to someone…honestly almost every blog I’ve ever written is inspired by someone or something they said.) and we just really caught up on life.

We hadn’t seen each other in probably a year or so and we had the absolute best conversation. Because we don’t see each other often or talk every day, we really listened to each other and it was almost like we were meeting for the first time (other than the occasional references to stories from when we were children).

She’s a few years older than me and married. She encouraged me so much to just wait for the right person and really live my life to the fullest before I’m married. And then to live it fully with my husband!

Her advice that she meant to be advice isn’t what hit me. It’s the things she said that she had no idea had an impact.

She just talked about life. She talked about the books she reads, the manner in which she saves money for trips before she puts money into savings, her favorite songs, and just what makes up her life.

She didn’t talk a lot about her problems or her job or the things that bother her. She just talked about the things that make her heart happy and make her world really go round.

She got me to thinking. She doesn’t seem to really focus on how much time is in the day or how many things she can get done. She takes it day by day and slows down a little every day to enjoy something she loves, even if that means escaping into a good book for hours.

She doesn’t think, “Oh my gosh I need to be up cleaning or running or working on something productive.” She works out and eats healthy because it makes her soul happy. She cleans when she wants to clean.

But that doesn’t mean her life isn’t “together.” It’s very together. And isn’t that funny that we think we have to be busy 24/7 to be “together.” I’ll go ahead and tell you I’m always on the go and my life is nowhere near “together” like I wish for it to be. Because I don’t slow down.

So why do we just try to have the time of our life? The time we are given is precious, but I think we just try to fill it up. Now, we fill it up with great stuff, sure. I fill mine up with as many fun things as I can. I fill it up with beautiful memories, of course.

But just when it’s time to enjoy the moments, I sometimes find myself exhausted because I spent so much energy filling my time.

Make sure you go home and clean your room, then schedule time at the gym, then schedule a dinner date, then schedule time to watch TV, then schedule time to read, then make sure you squeeze in a phone call or two, oh and don’t forget to make time to do something that makes you happy.

Why on earth do we schedule every second of our day? We fill the day with things that “make us happy.” Why not just do something that makes you happy when you feel like doing it? Since when did spur-of-the-moment road trips or concerts become so stressful to plan? Why are birthday dinners and surprise parties so exhausting? Because we plan everything in hopes it will go perfectly and not mess up one little bit. Then, if something goes wrong, we call it a day and say the whole thing was ruined.

That is not how God intended us to live. Sure, he wants us to be aware of the time we have here, but he does not want us to spend it planning and worrying. He specifically speaks against worry.

So, let’s let life fill up our days. Let life take up all the time in the world. Just live. Let go and just really live.

Spend time with people just because. Do something that makes your heart burst with joy without penciling it in for Tuesday at 4:00. Go on a road trip in the middle of the night because why not?

Stop putting so much emphasis on making sure you fill your life up with wonderful trips and memories, and just let them happen how they are meant to.

We all want our lives to be beautiful. We also want the rest of the world to think it’s beautiful. So we plan all these things so we can post a few good pictures online to let everyone know how much fun we have.

Stop it. Let the moments and the days happen. Be happy because it’s natural to do so. Live at peace with where you are, who you are, and what your’e doing.

Our time is short, so why not let it fill itself with incredible things that are bound to happen. And also, we shouldn’t have the “time of our lives” by filling our time with things that give us instant gratification and leave us feeling terrible later. Wild parties and meaningless relationships do not ensure that you have had the life of your time.

Fill up time with your life, not just your life with time. Don’t be afraid to have the life of your time instead of just the time of your life.