That Girl

We’ll always be searching for that if we don’t stop and learn to love this…

We spend our lives trying to be something. Everyone wants to be a different something but we all work day in and day out to be that something– to be that teacher that everyone loves, to be the preacher that brings everyone to God, to be the most popular person in school, to be the CEO of the best firm, to be the hot mom that everyone wants to be, to be the best football player in the state, to be the best server at the best restaurant…the list goes on. 

Unless you’re Beyonce, someone will always be better. How discouraging is that? You will NEVER be good enough. That’s what I’ve always lived by, and I think the majority of the world is right there with me. No matter how great I am, I could always be better. I could always act better, look better, weigh less, have prettier skin, have better clothes, make a better grade, and just be a better person.

I’ve just always wanted to be “that girl” — that girl that everyone loves, that girl that every guys wants to date and every girl wants to be, that girl that is always kind even when it’s hard, that girl that has the prettiest figure and hair and eyes and skin etc., that girl that has it so easy all the time, that girl that no one every says a bad word about, that girl that’s friends with everyone, that girl that wakes up looking like a model, that girl that’s so mysterious that everyone wants to find out more about her, that girl that shows her love for God and others at all times, that girl that shows confidence and humility at the same time, that girl that doesn’t care what anyone thinks because she loves every detail of her life in its entirety. 

That is a long list of requirements to be “that girl.” I’ve realized that every single person has a different list. Every single person has a different “that” that they wish they were. Everyone wants something they don’t have simply because it’s different. Everyone has flaws they dwell on and inner turmoil they deal with. That makes us all the same. And isn’t that beautiful?

We think we’ll never be good enough, but the good news is we never have to be because there is no such thing as “good enough.” 

There will always be someone that is “that” to us  no matter where we are in life. It has been a constant since pre-school and it will always remain so. The best we can do is embrace “that” and find “that” in everyone we meet. To find a “that” characteristic in everyone that crosses your path helps you grow and improve and helps you find beauty in everyone and everything. 

There are people you will meet that break you down and make you wish you were anyone but you. Those people are running the hardest from who they are. They most likely think of you as “that” and want to pick you apart to find that you really aren’t all that great. Those are the people that need the most love from you, and that will grow you more than anything in the world ever could. 

At the end of the day, there is no such thing as “that girl” or “that guy.” The girl that seems to have it all most likely does not and even the perfect couple has their fights. Even the people that really have it together wish they were a little better. If you’re quiet, you wish you were louder, and if you’re loud, you wish you were quiet, but God dispersed the outgoing and the introverted evenly throughout the world on purpose. Embrace your personality and the way you look because there is no one else in the world that can compare. So, it’s really a waste to wish to be someone else because it can absolutely never happen. 

I’m writing this as much for myself as I am for anyone that reads it. It’s exhausting to try to fight the person God intended you to be. He intended you to be exactly how you are and THAT is all that. 

We have to stop searching for that and learn to love this because this is always the best it will ever be and that’s something to celebrate daily. 

I Love My Ex Boyfriend

Love isn’t always warm and fuzzy…

You know that feeling you get when your ex calls you? Their name pops up and you just stare and think about whether or not to answer. Well, I answered.

I didn’t even want to talk to him. I never even think about him anymore. He’s really just a memory, but I felt like this was going to be important, so I answered with an uninterested “Hello.” 

He rambled for ten minutes, as usual, without letting me get a word in, and as soon as I was tuned out thinking about how glad I was that we weren’t together, he changed his tone. 

He apologized and thanked me…at the same time. I remained silent and let him explain. 

He told me about the new girl he was dating, which didn’t sting me like it used to. He told me how great he was to her. 

Wow, thanks for letting me know how much better you are to her than you ever were to me.

Then he said he was sorry. He said he felt terrible for never giving me the love I needed and for treating me so terribly when all I ever wanted was love. He said the reason he was so good to her is because he loved her the way I always wanted him to love me. I immediately started crying and let him continue to spill his heart out.

He said I taught him how to love, and how to show his love. He thanked me for getting him to this point in his life. It felt so good to hear that after all this time. 

Helping someone else find love might be even better than finding love yourself. Allowing it to all come full circle to see the big picture God painted allows the heart to heal and the pain to make so much sense. It was all for a purpose. I helped him fulfill his purpose, and I know one day I’ll look back and thank him for helping me fulfill mine. 

When I finally decided to speak, I choked out THE question: “Is she pretty….what is she like?”

He began to describe her and I cried so hard. Not because I was jealous, but because I couldn’t wait for someone to describe me like that to someone. He told me about her features and her hobbies and how much he wanted it to work. I was heartbroken in the best way. 

I knew in that moment he had found her. I was his last stop before the love of his life. I don’t think he knows she’s the one, but I do. 

I also thanked him for showing me what I never wanted in a man. And I didn’t mean that in an ugly way, I am sincerely thankful that God gave me time with him to learn about love and learn about myself. I know if I got over him, I can get over anyone and patiently wait for the one I’ll never get over. 

I sincerely loved this guy at one point, and all the feelings were real, but I was so bitter towards him when it was over because of the pain he caused me. 

This year, I have learned how to apologize. And this was the first real apology I’ve received in a while. He meant every word he said with so much love and change and passion. I’ve never loved him more. 

I’ll never ever be in love with him again. Those feelings came and went and changed me forever. For me, once the “in love love” is gone, it never comes back. Even though I’ll never be in love with him again, he changed my mind about him that day. He became my friend again. I became so genuinely happy for him and this beautiful girl that I carefully stalked on social media. (I told him I approved and that she was his perfect match). 

So while I’ll never be in love with my ex boyfriend, I’ll always love him. 

At the end of the call, (it happened just like a movie), I said, “Thanks for calling,” and he said, “Thanks for picking up.”

Don’t Get Married

Don’t go looking for love because you’ll end up finding the wrong kind…

Don’t get married.

Don’t get married? Kaitlin, did you just say that?

Yes. Yes I did. Not because I’m bitter and not because I don’t want to get married. I do want to get married, and I hope I will, but not now. Not for a while.

I could honestly probably find SOMEONE to date and then eventually marry him, but I don’t want to. I think everyone could stumble upon somebody to tie the knot with, but that’s not the point of love or marriage.

So many people are settling and getting married to the wrong person. What a shame that is. That might be one of the worst possible things a person can do. To cheat yourself out of your destiny? How could you?

So don’t. Don’t get married. Don’t get married because it’s the easy way out. Don’t get married because you’re lonely. Don’t get married because you’re ready to make a change. Don’t get married because you think you’re in love. You might not even know what love is. You might be in the wrong relationship with the wrong person, and if you jump the broomstick, you’ll be going downhill sooner than you know it.

Marriage is meant to be forever, and starting something you can’t finish is a treacherous path to take. When you get married just for fun, just to make your wedding Pinterest board come to life, you end up hurting 2+ people. So, if you’re rushing into something that God ordained to be the reward of patience, then don’t get married.

Do get married if you have thought of everything in the world you want to do, and it doesn’t compare to a single day with your soulmate. Do get married if there isn’t a shadow of a doubt that God made your mate specially for you. Do get married if you’ve seen everything you want to see, done everything you want to do alone, and been everywhere you want to go alone. Do get married if you’ve found yourself and you’re ready to be one half of a whole.

So, this wasn’t to discourage marriage. I love marriage. I love love. I think the art of marriage has been lost and I want it to be found. I want everyone to be patient and find that person that makes their world even just a little brighter because that is what God intended to happen. When we make a conscious effort to be patient and really seek out what and who God has in store for us, we achieve the happiest life possible, and hey, that might be the best possible thing a person can do.

So get married. Fall in love. Plan a wedding, find a dress, find a venue, but don’t go find a person to share it all with. Let God find them for you.